Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Good-Bye Letter to My Estranged Husband

(This letter is more for me than it is for him.  He may never even see it.)

Dear *****,

When I met you, I fell for you right away.  My life was so structured and calculated but you allowed me to be free.  We talked for hours about everything.  I remember listening to your hopes and dreams for your future and it inspired me.  You swept me off my feet so fast.  I knew that because you had a love for God, that would translate to love, dignity and respect for me as a potential mate.  Our friendship quickly turned into a courtship.  After our second date you declared that I was going to be your wife.  I thought you were rushing things but I continued with the flow.  You met my son, my family and friends. Everyone cautioned me to slow things down.  But how could I let this God-fearing man that inspired me and cared for me go:  It felt right.  It was what I've always planned to be a wife.

Things got hectic with trying to plan a wedding with limited time and funds.  Your mom and I went to look for a dress.  I found a simple but beautiful white dress with a few sequins on it.  When she told you about the dress, you sent me an email telling me that maybe we should call it off because the dress I choose seemed to be "more elaborate" than you wanted it to be. (In hindsight, I should have taken that as a hint.)  Maybe I didn't because I wanted this marriage, a marriage so bad.  I agreed to not get the dress and ultimately not have a wedding at all because you felt it put "undue importance" on ourselves.  You didn't want the attention.  So we eloped and I got married wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I agreed to move into a home that was owned by your mom, in a very bad neighborhood.  It was an upper flat above your brother.  I agreed because it would help your mom and you promised it was only going to be a year, it was actually 7 years.  I didn't protest it as much as I could have but I think you knew how unhappy I was there.  It also strained relationships between your family and I.  The landlord-family-neighbor triangle was too much.  You later admitted that it wasn't a good ideal.

All of your hopes and dreams that you were constantly pursuing became an avenue for you to neglect me.  I know now that this was not deliberate.  You were always on the computer, working on websites or some get rich quick scheme.  I never spent time with your and I became bitter, very bitter.  I hated your computer as if it was another woman taking you away from me.

I was so bitter that you didn't want to be around me.  Which pissed me off even more. The vicious cycle began and continued for the duration of our marriage.  We fought, destroyed each others property and I became obsessed with the friendship you maintained with your ex-girlfriend throughout our marriage.  I checked you emails and call logs constantly. Who was this woman that I became? I didn't like myself.

By year 5 of our marriage, things were just horrible.  It was the kids and I and then there was you.  You didn't do things with us.  You were physically there but I knew that you didn't want to be with me.  I watched you from the window sometimes when you got off work and you would just sit in your car for a long time before coming into the house.

When I left you in my heart I was hoping one of two things would happen:  1. You would immediately realize that you and I were meant to be and you would come live with us. or 2. Over a short period of time we would cool off and get back together.  I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A PERMANENT ARRANGEMENT.  Well it's been over a year and a half, we are still separated.

You say you are happy now and don't want me back.  I would never force you back into my life.  I have relative peace since I've been gone. Our children don't live in a home filled with arguing and fighting.  They are safe physically and emotionally. You still come over to be with the kids while I am at work and take them to school.  And occasionally for a good meal and sex.  It is almost like you are getting the parts of marriage/family life that you want and rejecting the rest.  Every time you leave I feel hurt and used all over again.  It's time for it to end.  It's not a matter of you releasing me, I have to let go.  I can't allow you to continue being in my day to day life, while I am your "a la carte wife".

So I want to say good bye.  I wish things could have been different.  I loved you the best I knew how.  I will always care about you but I have to start caring for myself now.  I forgive you and I release you.  I truly wish you happiness and love.  I can't deal with you anymore except for issues regarding our daughter. 

Good bye Love,

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